Cool Cosmic Coincidence

Einstein once famously remarked that "God doesn't play dice." In other words, this is not a universe that is organized in a haphazard way, and events do not occur randomly. Obviously, Einstein never worked at Borders.

So Patti and I are on our way to the Snellville store. I had just finished up a delightful school day with Michael. We have only three classes left, so I figured why not go out with a bang? Since we had studied Walt Whitman and Emily Dickinson earlier, I had dusted off the old "Dead Poet's Society" DVD.

You probably know the scene. Robin Williams lures a shy young Ethan Hawke up to recite a poem in front of the class. He hasn't prepared one, so Williams makes him look at a picture of Walt Whitman up over the chalkboard and spontaneously spout off some verse. Stream of consciousness style. Unfortunately, we didn't have a picture of Walt Whitman in the living room, though we did have a Paul McCartney poster, so that was our stand in.

Much like in the movie, I circled Michael in a very Robin Williamsesque fashion, forcing him to spew out mad, incoherent gibberish, in the hopes that it would spontaneously produce a poem. I went faster and faster until I grew dizzy, but it was most effective. Before long, Michael started talking about how Paul McCartney sings "truth" and then something about the guitar strings. It all bottomed out when I suggested the guitar strings were what David Carradine of "Kill Bill" and "Kung Fu" fame had used to hang himself in a Bangkok hotel room earlier that day.

Class over.

So Patti and I had to take him to Borders to meet his friend David. All well and good. So I'm standing around the cafe, and Jessica walks by me and asks, "So, are you here for the book signing?" Being a Borders employee, I of course had no idea we were having a book signing. "Who is here?" "Oh, it's Stephen Hawking's daughter. They wrote a kid's book together."

Do huh?

Yes, Stephen Hawking's daughter Lucy is coming to Snellville Borders to do a reading and a book signing. Sure. Why wouldn't the daughter of the most eminent physicist of the century come to the town where "Everybody is Somebody?" Makes sense to me. So I'm like, "Hell's yeah I'm here for the book signing."

Actually, I was even enlisted to do a series of announcements regarding her arrival. I had a little event sheet to go off of but I was mostly winging it. You know, I thought my highest honor regarding announcements had come four or five years ago when I was issued a certificate at a staff meeting that christened me "King of the Closing Announcements." How wrong I was!

As it turns out, Lucy Hawking greatly enjoyed my announcements. She referred to them as "theatrical," and said she would have liked to record them and just carry them around with her, presumably from bookstore to bookstore. And this from a lady with a great Cambridge accent.

I should point out that it was rather remarkable that it went well, and hopefully it established something of a new precedent for me. As any of you who have gone to Dragoncon with me knows, there is a fairly predictable range of outcomes when I am in the vicinity of celebrity. Usually either I humiliate myself, as in the case of Julie Benz, or they humiliate me (sometimes in front of a room full of people), as in the case of Anthony Daniels. So this was definitely a step up.

Lucy Hawking spoke for about an hour, and it was fascinating. She started by drawing up an Old World map that included where Europeans had once believed the world ended, and likened that to prevalent attitudes regarding space exploration. She even had a brilliant caricature of her dad up in the right hand corner. I would like to point out that the drawing has been appropriated and will soon be hanging in the employee lounge upstairs.

At any rate, the talk included a brief slide show on her laptop. We saw everything from rare family photographs of Stephen Hawking before he was diagnosed with ALS, to him on the set of "Star Trek: The Next Generation," to super novas, to what aliens may or may not look like. Here I should point out that I was able to help out with that last bit, as I just happened to be wearing a Chewbacca t-shirt at the time. Fate, thy are a strange mistress. We also watched a video that chronicled, among other things, the effects of trying to gargle in zero-g gravity.

I acquitted myself fairly well, asking some questions about the multi-verse as well as the possibility of interstellar travel. I (happily) knew that the closest star was Alpha Centauri, but as she pointed out, even travelling at the top possible speed, it would still take over fifty thousand years to get there with existing technology. She did say using the energy released from matter/anti-matter engines Star Trek-style may be a possibility for flinging ships from star to star, but that's not going to be for awhile yet. After it was over, I did get to seed the idea that, since we are just taking our first timid steps off our planet, it is entirely likely that there is some future means of space travel that we can't conceive of anymore than our neanderthal ancestors could have conceived of airplanes that could break the sound barrier. She whole-heartedly agreed.

On a philosophical note, I did get to briefly discuss with her what I still find to be the most amazing, paradigm-shifting discovery of modern astronomy, namely that we are stardust. Once scientists learned how all the heavier elements in existence were cooked up in the heart of a star that eventually went supernova, our indelible connection with the universe was sealed. I brought up the fact that when we start talking about "the universe," people inevitably start looking up. But not only is the universe around us, it's in us as well. Right down to the iron in our blood. Her favorite star fact was that it produced the very calcium in our bones and teeth. That was the real mind-spinner. We both hope the reality of that will eventually seep into and inform our collective common sense before too long.

The only bad part about the whole thing was that barely anyone showed up. Granted, it was a rainy night, but not counting Bel, Patti, and myself, I doubt more than half a dozen people showed up. And again, it was purely serendipitous that we were even there to begin with. It was a real shame, because I would have promoted this thing for all it was worth. I mean, it was Stephen Hawking's Daughter, for heaven's sake! Just as Patti told her, she would have packed the place with homeschoolers if only we'd had any head's up whatsoever. They no doubt would have enjoyed the pronouncement by the public school system that Lucy offered up. Her father wasn't a good student in primary and secondary school and his teachers hilariously wrote home saying, "He'll never amount to anything."

But we didn't have a heads up. I guess that's Borders for you. So what if the daughter of one of the most brilliant minds on the planet is coming to promote her IR book and answer questions about the mysteries of the universe? Who cares? How many Borders Rewards transactions have you scored today?

Sigh.

So anyway, the first book the mother and father team extraordinaire wrote was called "George's Secret Key to the Universe." The second is "George's Cosmic Treasure Hunt," which basically features a young boy who's led across the universe by scavenger-hunt loving aliens. A super computer named "Cosmos" helps him out, and he learns a lot about physics on the way. Super-cool.

Check out - www.secretkeytotheuniverse.com

P.S. Excellent photo courtesy of Patti Ward and her excellent cell phone.

P.P.S. And a little late, but as for FOX cancelling the Sarah Connor Chronicles, FUCK YOU VERY MUCH. Assholes.