Why Stephenie Meyer is the World's Greatest Literary Phenomenon

"I don't think of myself as a writer ... the words aren't always perfect."

So says Stephenie Meyer, the unsurpassed voice of the young thanks to her Twilight series. Piffle, Stephenie. You're here to stay. I admit it. Not only has Twilight defined a generation, it will probably define the next few generations. Maybe the rest of them. Forever.

Oh, these bookstore-strained eyes have seen. They've seen so much. They've seen the acolytes of Team Edward mount up to physically destroy Team Jacob. They've seen a thirteen year old girl having a temper tantrum because her mother would only buy her a Twilight bookbag, action figure, poster, calendar, and candy but not a Twilight movie book. They've seen comically overweight women bully their way past women of nimbler girth to get in front of the line for the Twilight DVD release. They've seen Twilight books that will help you score higher on the SAT and ACT. They've seen forty something year old teachers come up and proclaim that reading Twilight has changed their lives. They've seen fourteen year old girls marching around the story, loudly arguing that Harry Potter is in the toilet now that Stephenie Meyer has put pen to paper.

So in short, you win Stephenie. You win. You are the Greatest Writing Machine the world has ever seen, and I've assembled a list of facts to help prove it. Even the wonderfully witty people at Twilight Sucks have been forced to agree.

To paraphrase the song at the tournament at the end of the Karate Kid, Stephenie Meyer, you're simply the best around. Nothing's going to ever keep you down. Uh-huh. You eighties people know the tune I'm talking about.

Stephenie Meyer is the World's Greatest Literary Phenomenon, and here are a few reasons why ...

- It is estimated that there are more Stephenie Meyer fans attending Twilight conventions than there are people currently alive on the planet.

- In May of 2008, Stephenie Meyer jotted down a grocery list on a scrap of paper. By June of that same year, four top New York literary agencies were fighting to represent it.

- Stephenie Meyer stayed overnight at a friend's home. When the sun rose, she had to enlist a small army of U-haul trucks to carry off everything she had written the night before. By the end of the week, she had three new books to publish.

- Bram Stoker was actually a figment of Stephenie Meyer's imagination.

- Stephenie Meyer once had writer's block. According to experts, it lasted approximately .00001% of a second. To make up for lost time, she wrote a new bestseller that afternoon.

- Stephenie Meyer mentioned in an interview that she never watched R-rated movies. Later that month, every major Hollywood studio stopped making them.

- After going to see the Twilight film, Emily Bronte went home and started writing Wuthering Heights. Though not well-known in literary circles, Bronte always envisioned Robert Pattinson in the role of Heathcliffe.

- Stephenie Meyer's literary output is so prolific it actually results in the shifting of tectonic plates under the earth's surface.

- For a short time in the early twenty-first century, books written by "other" authors had to be put on the Stephenie Meyer Best-Sellers List.

- In her latest book, Stephenie Meyer created characters so real they had to be assigned social security numbers. One even received a summons for jury duty courtesy of the local judicial system.

- While on a vacation in the Bahamas, Stephenie Meyer glared at a blank notebook for five long minutes. Later that day, it was mysteriously filled with words.

- Sources insist that JK Rowling frequently phones Stephenie Meyer at all hours of the night to ask what her next book series should be about.

- Thanks to Stephenie Meyer, Mormonism has now replaced Islam as the world's fastest growing religion.

- Stephenie Meyer invented the entire English language simply because she thought no existing one would do the Twilight saga justice.

- The very popular Hooked on Phonics book series is set to be replaced some time next year by Hooked on Stephenie Meyer.

- Literary critic Harold Bloom once claimed that Shakespeare had invented the human. Then he read Stephenie Meyer and realized his mistake.

- The Nine Muses frequently audition for Stephenie Meyer's attention, but the fact is she doesn't need them. Every morning before she writes, Stephenie Meyer looks into the mirror and inspires herself.

- Stephenie Meyer's annual literary income exceeds the net worth of several countries in the Far East, including Taiwan.

- God's only regret is that He didn't let Stephenie Meyer write the Bible.

- Stephenie Meyer's fictional worlds are so real and three-dimensional that a fourteen year old girl in Portland, Oregon actually fell head-first into one of them. Sadly, she was never heard from again.

- For millennia, the author of the first story, The Epic of Gilgamesh, has been listed as simply being "anonymous." Why? Because Stephenie Meyer doesn't like to brag.

- The only reason Edward settled for Bella in the books is because he couldn't have Stephenie Meyer.

- For every hour that Stephenie Meyer spends writing, literacy rates in the continental United States increase by ten percent.

- According to certain prominent journalists, at least thirty two old-growth forests in the Pacific Northwest have been decimated to provide paper for Stephenie Meyer's unstoppable pen.

- Stephenie Meyer is indirectly responsible for the discovery of time travel. On April 12, 2009, a small group of fanatical Edward fans broke the laws of the space-time continuum and engineered a machine to carry them into the future. Why? So they could see the New Moon film before anyone else.

- Stephenie Meyer's advice to aspiring writers is very simple. Give up. She has already written everything that will ever be published ever again.

- Stephenie Meyer once claimed that abstainance was sexier than sex. Everyone believed her.

- Lord Byron finally came forward and admitted that he stole the archetype of the dark, handsome, mysterious byronic hero from Stephenie Meyer. It's not the other way around.

- It is predicted that by the fall semester of 2013, the Twilight books will constitute their own English 101 curriculum in every college around the country. So long Chaucer, Milton, and Keats. Hello Meyer, Meyer, and Meyer.

- The United Nations was forced to table Middle East peace talks so that its members could attend the midnight release party for Breaking Dawn at the local bookstore.

- In the world of the ancient Greeks, Stephenie Meyer's pen name was "Homer."

- Stephenie Meyer is so talented that she often writes and rewrites her books from the perspective of multiple characters. And she doesn't simply do this for the major characters, but for all of them. Even the minor ones with no names or relevance to the plot. It has been estimated online that the first Twilight book has been rewritten at least fifty-seven times, from fifty-seven perspectives. Stephenie Meyer is just that detailed in her work.

- Ernest Hemmingway committed suicide on July 2, 1961. Why? Because he knew he couldn't compete with the literary prowess of Stephenie Meyer.

- J.D. Salinger became a recluse and stopped publishing for the same reason.

- Stephenie Meyer invented vampires. Period.

- Someone once asked for Cliff Notes to Stephenie Meyer books because they were so long and rambling. Little did they know, the books were the Cliff Notes.

- Contrary to certain complaints, the first editions of Eclipse and Breaking Dawn were not littered with typos. Stephenie Meyer was simply inventing new words to keep the Oxford English Dictionary people on their toes.

- The lines for Stephenie Meyer's book signings are so long they often constitute their own equatorial plane.

- Every time Stephenie Meyer finishes a complete paragrah, she saves a major bookstore chain from bankruptcy.

- Stephenie Meyer doesn't have to follow the basic rules of grammar. The basic rules of grammar follow Stephenie Meyer.

- War and Peace was cribbed from notes off an early draft whipped up one rainy afternoon by Stephenie Meyer. She was bored.

- Stephenie Meyer once wrote so much in a single week that the weight of her compositions actually unbalanced the Western hemisphere, and came dangerously close to tilting the earth off its axis.

- Samuel Taylor Coleridge claimed he could never finish his masterful poem "Kubla Khan" because he was interrupted by a mysterious man from Porlock knocking at his door. Stephenie Meyer was interrupted by the same man from Porlock, but she finished her poem that afternoon. And she rewrote Eclipse from Jacob's point of view. Stephenie Meyer doesn't make excuses.

- Stephenie Meyer once told a group of lustful teenage fans that they should abstain from sex until they were at least forty-eight. Every single one of them did.

- After Stephenie Meyer was given the Nobel Prize for Literature, they simply stopped awarding it. The committee agreed it would all be downhill after that anyway.

- The line to see Stephenie Meyer at a local book fair was so long the fans at the end of it were actually three zip codes away. They didn't even care.

- Due to intense reader demand, Stephenie Meyer announced this week she was going to rewrite Twilight one last time. As a treat to the fans, this time the epic love story would be told entirely from the point of view of inanimate objects.

- It has been proven that an endorsement by Stephenie Meyer on the cover of a book is worth more than ten such nominations by the Oprah Book Club.

Part 2

- Stephenie Meyer is so talented and prolific her next book is already finished before she's even been inspired to write it.

- After Stephenie Meyer finished writing Twilight, she didn't even have to submit a query letter. The literary agents lined up on her door step of their own accord.

- Rumor has it that Stephenie Meyer has crafted an entirely new alphabet for her next series.

- With the Bella and Edward and Jacob plotline, Stephenie Meyer single-handedly invented something she likes to call the "love triangle."

- Stephenie Meyer wrote Eclipse and The Host simultaneously. Literally. She had a pen in each hand. She's that good.

- When other writers have "new" ideas, they're actually old ones that Stephenie Meyer has already had and discarded.

- If Stephenie Meyer could somehow transform her literary powers into fossil fuel, she could generate enough energy to power an entire metropolis for ten years.

- Once a major studio tried to option one of Stephenie Meyer's dreams for a movie before she'd even woken up.

- Strunk and White's The Elements of Style has now been revised to accommodate Stephenie Meyer's use of dangling modifiers.

- Stephenie Meyer's next book will be a tale of forbidden hand-holding. The unreleasable, built-up sexual tension between the two main characters will be so intense the pages will catch fire right in your hands. The inside book flap will actually include flame retardant gel.

- When aliens landed at a writer's conference in rural Nebraska, they demanded that the attendees take them to their leader. An hour later, they were being introduced to Stephenie Meyer.

- Stephenie Meyer made adverbs cool again.

- By the year 3010, Stephenie Meyer's fiction will have inspired not only peace, harmony, and love, but global ritualistic square dancing.

- Some writers sweat blood. Stephenie Meyer sweats ink.

- When Stephenie Meyer was finishing Breaking Dawn, she didn't need to eat or sleep for three straight weeks. The story alone was her sustenance.

- Some people ingest large amounts of chemical substances to be able to write like Stephenie Meyer does.

- Conspiracy theorists have discovered that if you read The Host backwards, Stephenie Meyer has predicted the exact hour that Quetzalcoatl, the feathered serpent god of the Aztecs, will descend on the Empire State Building in 2012.

- The planets now properly align only when Edward and Bella are blissfully in love.

- The original title of Midnight Sun, or Twilight from Edward's point of view, was originally going to be titled The Eighty Year Old Virgin.

- Stephenie Meyer personally hand-sculpts every Twilight action figure.

- When they make the inevitable disco version of Twilight, Stephenie Meyer will be unanimously awarded the role of Bella.

- Stephenie Meyer's imagination is so huge that if it ever manifested physically, it would take the entire continent of Australia to contain it.

- During the Writer's Strike in Hollywood, Stephenie Meyer took up the slack and wrote enough for everyone.

- Stephenie Meyer's imaginary friends are so real and vivid they sometimes have trouble getting through airport security.

- There are over 100 translations of Twilight in print. Stephenie Meyer learned every language and translated them personally to make sure the job was done right. Even Aramaic.

- Military radar picked up an inexplicable power surge in the western U.S. They went to investigate only to discover that it was just Stephenie Meyer thinking up a plot twist.

- Once Stephenie Meyer was typing so fast at a keyboard her computer exploded and the rest of the neighborhood lost internet connection for a whole week.

- For most authors, five hundred pages constitutes an entire book. For Stephenie Meyer, five hundred pages barely constitutes a prologue.

- The only reason Stephenie Meyer wasn't awarded her very own national holiday is because congress realized at the last second that the day was already President's Day. Eventually they voted to move President's Day.

- By the end of the twenty-second century, Stephenie Meyer's face will be on the national currency of at least four South American countries.

- Once there was an alternate dimension where Stephenie Meyer had never existed. Children who lived there often asked why they should bother learning to read. Their parents had no answers for them.

- Meteorologists detected ominous weather patterns building over central Kansas. Little did they know, it was just Stephenie Meyer brainstorming while on a book tour.

- Some literary critics argue that if John Keats hadn't died so tragically young, he may have been the greatest writer in English literature. Now that Stephenie Meyer has been published, though, they all agree it doesn't really matter either way.

- God is now jealous of Stephenie Meyer because Twilight is outselling the Bible.

- Buried a quarter of a mile under Switzerland is a secret vault containing Stephenie Meyer's greatest story ideas. It is guarded by a highly trained sect of Ninjas so dedicated to their mission they no longer remember their own names.

- There are only five wonders of the world now because Stephenie Meyer has only published five books.

- Every time Stephenie Meyer creates a character that refuses to have premarital sex including but not limited to storylines about the end of the world, an angel is awarded their wings.

- There will come a point in American politics when congress will no longer be fought over by Democrats or Republicans, but rather the even more bipartisan Team Edward and Team Jacob.

- While you've been reading this, Stephenie Meyer has already written a prequel about the Cullen family, a sequel about Jacob, and an entirely new work concerning the sasquatch and forbidden love in the Rocky Mountains.